


im dave btw

by suitablyskippy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Homestuck Shipping Olympics, M/M, selfcest, warning: comic sans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-12
Updated: 2012-08-12
Packaged: 2017-11-12 00:11:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/484468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suitablyskippy/pseuds/suitablyskippy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TG2: like what the fuck even is this proposition<br/>TG: the ordinarily nebulous concept of artistry wrought in tangible form<br/>TG2: oh yeah<br/>TG: it’s a note telling you it makes cents for us to date<br/>TG: hidden in a shoebox full of nickels<br/>TG: do you know how long that shit took to collect</p><p>(team davecest's submission for HSO 2012, round 2: MONSTERS)</p>
            </blockquote>





	im dave btw

A guy walks out of an alley one night and he cocks his head at you like your mirror image. There’s a mess of something dark around his mouth. 

You look at him. He’s probably looking back but there’s two layers of smoked glass between you and you’re both hipster shits for wearing shades at night in the first place. 

sweet shades man, you say anyway. 

yeah you too, he says, and wipes at his mouth. always thought style like this was a once in a generation gift but looks like god was feeling generous the day we topped the queue

come on what kind of shitty deity is gonna scope a grill like this and not want it clad for all eternity in the best of everything this world has got to offer  
real talk dude

you got a point

dont get too close im bristling with em

im dave btw

me too

huh what a coincidence

~

You don’t swap chumhandles but when you try to log on back in your flat someone else has already taken yours. You sign in as turntechGoddamnit and pester the squatter. 

\-- turntechGoddamnit [TG]  began pestering turntechGodhead [TG2]  at 03:26 --

TG: sup  
TG2: hey dave  
TG: knew it was you  
TG: fucks sake we cant both write in this  
TG2: yeah ima change   
TG: well no fucks sake you cant write in that either thats my sisters color  
TG: every word you say in that particular shade of icy homo-ridden purple my balls are gonna inch a little further back up till theyre tucked so tight inside my body not even the half life crowbar could prise them back out not even if you wielded it on a level so high only hubble could see you  
TG2: huh my sis writes in this color too  
TG2: who saw that one coming  
TG: look ill switch  
TG2: nope nope i am vetoing that on grounds of you aint my bro  
TG2: im going for this then and lets hear no more of it

~

Three in the morning a couple nights later something heavy drops onto your legs and you’ve jerked upright and seized your sword as it ejects from your specibus before you even know you’re awake. 

It’s dark still. You hear the rattle of window blinds. 

You maneuver out from under the large block of ice crushing your shins, and wrap it in a blanket to carry to the kitchen because skinning your hands for the sake of a sub-Egbert standard nighttime prank is so far from any jam you want in with there’s not an adventurer in the world brain-damaged enough to take on the journey. 

In the morning you check the sink: there’s a piece of laminate paper lying in the remnants of the thawed-out ice, and it says i would melt for you. 

TG: indefensible  
TG: fuckin lamest thing ive ever seen  
TG2: dont even try to front this out man i know how hard you must have creamed your little grape smugglers when you got to the note  
TG2: however long you spend thinking about it the amount of subverted inverted played straight back to front ironies invoked themselves ironically there just does  
TG2: not  
TG2: stop  
TG2: from getting bigger ok  
TG: hey hey when did i say that fuckin lamest thing ive ever seen and most fuckin awesome thing ive ever seen were exclusive categories  
TG: cos they aint and that piece of shit stunt fit both of them  
TG2: hahahaha you know it

~

You type it only makes cents for us to date into Word, dick about with clip art till it’s virtually illegible, and print the message out. 

\-- turntechGoddamnit [TG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG2] at 10:12 --

TG: hey look outside your door

\-- turntechGodhead [TG2] is offline! --

TG: or not who gives a shit

\-- turntechGoddamnit [TG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG2]  at 23:46 --

TG: you online yet  
TG: or is your life just that hectic  
TG: sneaking into bed with first class prime hunk rump by night  
TG: letting them think youre dead by day  
TG: knocked down in his prime oh officer at least his corpse was hot yeah we are talking fucking scorching here  
TG: burns your eyes right out your head if you even glance its way  
TG: looked exactly like me btw exactly as toasty hot as i am  
TG2: sup  
TG: oh hey  
TG: go look outside your door  
TG2: k brb  
TG2: wow  
TG2: fuck  
TG2: dave you have moved me to tears and their flow is as unstoppable as that of my smoothest rhymes  
TG2: im an emotional wreck  
TG2: my neighbors will be banging on the walls for me to stop howling like an alley cat getting the best fucking horizontal refreshment of its life but my incessant and rapturous wailing will render all interruptions inaudible  
TG2: youve put me out of action for at least 48 hours here do you understand that  
TG2: at least 48 hours of rending my hair from my head in sheer erotic ecstasy  
TG: ok you wanna stop sobbing cos if that shit wrecks your keyboard i am not forking out for a new one  
TG2: yeah alright  
TG: so you got anything to say  
TG2: do you even need to ask   
TG: nah i just wanna drag it out  
TG2: k  
TG2: well how could any young man playing with a deck as full as mine even contemplate saying no to a  
TG2: to a what  
TG2: like what the fuck even is this proposition  
TG: the ordinarily nebulous concept of artistry wrought in tangible form  
TG2: oh yeah  
TG: it’s a note telling you it makes cents for us to date  
TG: hidden in a shoebox full of nickels  
TG: do you know how long that shit took to collect  
TG2: well if youre anything like me  
TG2: which you are  
TG2: im gonna guess you just keep all your small change in a box anyway   
TG: you got me sussed  
TG2: hey do you wanna come over tonight  
TG: sure  
TG: the destruction im gonna wreak on your tower of babel will leave you speaking in tongues

\-- turntechGoddamnit [TG] is offline! --

TG2: what the fuck

~

You get up close to him that night and catch your reflection in his shades. Then you get up even closer and realize you can’t see his in yours. Then you get up closer still so you take yours off and so does he because your shared sense of style may be more truly righteous than any messiah the world’s ever spawned but practicality has its place and its place is right outside of the bedroom, and who gives a shit if the guy doesn’t reflect. 

~

His roommate comes home in the morning and flings the curtains wide open. You both recoil from the light but he refuses to come out from beneath the sheets until you heave yourself from the bed to draw them again. 

You see that he is very pale and his eyes are red but that doesn’t exactly come as a surprise. 

~

so im noticing you dont even go out unless its dark  
not like im a social butterfly myself barely even a social caterpillar  
p much stuck in the larval stage if anything  
socially apathetic grub  
but yeah youre making this kinda tricky  
aint turning nocturnal with you just for the sake of seriously ridic narcissistic post-watershed woohoo  
do you just not do daylight

yeah could say that

sup with that  
you a vampire 

yeah  
now you come to mention it

hahahahaha  
no shit?? 

not even the meekest most sweetest smelling understated dollop 

wait like literally no shit  
you dont shit  
do you even piss then

nope

so what youre like an actual corpse 

just another awesome side effect of taking my name off the sign up sheet for life

last night i bumped uglies with a corpse that looks exactly like me has my name my hobbies my family and my clothes

yeah p much

cool just wanted to get that straight  
how are you staving off the rot vampire dave whats the secret  
enquiring minds just have to know

got hordes of devoted cultist followers around the country  
each morning different sects efficiently slaughter and eviscerate an entire middle school classroom and fed-ex me the steaming bloody entrails to arrive that evening  
which i string up round my flat like tinsel for that harmonious vampire feng shui  
nothing soothes my aura down to a steadily pulsing pale and neutral blue like pushing my way through garlands of guts to the front door each morning

you lying piece of shit  
fedex doesnt ship that fast

fuck you caught me out

be honest with me vampire dave just open your heart to me  
a girls gotta feel like she can trust her man like she could somersault backwards off a vertiginous cliff for reasons strictly of her own and hed be at the bottom arms upraised expression lovesick waiting to catch her fragile plummeting body  
and theyd both die horrifically on impact but sometimes thats just what love is vampire dave ok  
sometimes thats just what love is  
so tell me how you maintain your youthful looks despite being an actual corpse

k  
goji berries face masks two liters of water a day no carbs after sundown and a real fuckin rigorous exercise routine  
dont tell anyone 

my lips are sealed and ziploc’d your secrets safe with me

cool im planning a series of health books itd fuck up the intellectual copyright situation pretty hard

He’s got one earbud in and he’s tapping along to a beat. You’ve got one earbud in and you’re tapping along to a beat. Neither of you ever bother asking what the other’s listening to because it’s almost inevitably the same thing. 

hey if youre dead how come you can even get a boner  
dont you need like  
blood  
for boners

yeah  
or willpower

willpower

ive been practicing this shit for some time man if you want to lodge a complaint youre gonna have a fuckton of paperwork to fill out first

nah its cool

fuckin better be

When people eavesdrop on your conversations they just assume you’re talking to yourself because your voices are indistinguishable. When you’re online you feel like you’re talking to yourself because your blogs are indistinguishable. It’s probably just as well you keep different hours or the way you’re already beginning to blur at the edges would only accelerate. 

hey do you wanna stop by the dollar store and grab some chalk, he says. i feel like spending a night drawing dicks on public property

ok the fact you even have to ask that makes me think maybe this relationship is actually going nowhere

dibs on the red chalk

fuck you  
take your wishful thinking boners and get out right now you shit we are over

fuck you too sweetcheeks

He’s smirking for you, and you’re not turning nocturnal for him but fuck if early nights have ever been a functional part of your skill set. 

whatever, you say, and meaning it is about as romantic as you reckon you’re ever gonna get.


End file.
